when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
ok first of all what the fuck
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
