What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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