The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
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