So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
