just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
