sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
