Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Randomize
