Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
