I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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