took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
whose ass print is on the piano?
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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