I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
