i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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