So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
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