Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I think I just shit out all my problems.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
