can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
We have started to decorate penises.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
