Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
