if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
