I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
