hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
