I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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