Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Randomize
