Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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