Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
