just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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