Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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