You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
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