Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
