I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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