Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
you are never too drunk for berry picking
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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