the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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