That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
