I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
where are my eyebrows?
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
