My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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