I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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