Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
