mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
