Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
