wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
