real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
