After last night, I could never be a politician.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Holy sore nipples Batman
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
