I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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