She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
