Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
