Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
