I'm pants shitting drunk right now
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
