Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
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