he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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