Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
