My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
what's the vibe there?
extraordinary amounts of gine
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
