im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
